Physicians Couldn’t Heal Her… and the Fight for My Health
The challenge I’ve laid out for myself is to pursue my20dreams every day. Not every dream every day but at least one action toward one dream every day. It’s an important distinction and completely doable.
Even thought it’s “just” one action and completely doable doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes it can technically be “easy” to do but very difficult to complete because of resistance and the emotional burden tied to it. That’s what happened to me today.
I haven’t officially released this dream yet, but Dream 11 is this:
“Radiant Perfect Health”
I want this. I need this. I’ve been pursuing this maniacally for almost 4 years now.
So I know what to do. I make the appointments and show up for them, but years of experience doesn’t make them easy. Today I saw a new naturopath. It’s a good thing. She was highly recommended by a friend. The one thing that every new appointment requires is the part I dread, the prep and the intake.
I spent a considerable amount of time updating my records with current CT scans, MRI reports and blood tests. There are always a lot to update. Then I show up and the health history intake begins… the history is long for me, my friends. So painfully long. Not just from the accident but from years before that. It’s just ridiculously complicated and complex within the last 4 years.
I feel discouraged and depleted after looking at my records and recounting the history. I’m reminded of all the issues that are still ongoing, all the chronic conditions caused by medical mismanagement and lack of proper attention and care in the medical community.
And I feel broken.
I don’t like feeling broken. I spend most of my days distracting myself from that broken feeling and whenever I have to start a new health history intake, I am confronted with my brokenness. And it breaks me in pieces all over again.
So here I sit with the broken pieces wanting to crawl in bed and distract myself with reruns of Gilmore Girls and binge eating dark chocolate smoked salt caramels. Because then I don’t remember all the ways my life and identity have been taken from me and all the ways I still long to be restored.
Tomorrow will be another day and another step forward to my dream of radiant perfect health. For today, I feel anything but radiant or perfect.
There was one shining moment in all of it.
Near the end of the appointment, the doctor said, “You always land on your feet.”
She was referring to my accident and the miraculous landing I made after being thrown six feet in the air, but she was also referring to the stubborn determination I’ve had throughout my life to survive and always land on my feet. And she’s right. It’s true. Even though I may be broken, I am still here, still standing, and still fighting.
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